~
John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing
my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest
bidder.



~
Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had
the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed
our eyes.
When we opened them we
had the Bible and they had the land.



~ David
Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant
proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is
real but the moon landing was faked.



~ Howard
Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a
billionaire.



~
Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into
the same box.



~
Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you
can walk all over them for thirty years.



~
Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is
to test the strength of the lifeboats.



~ Zsa Zsa
Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither
would take out the garbage.



~
Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels
and your car doesn't.



~
Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's
either a new car or a new wife.



~ Emo Philips...
A
computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing.



~ Harrison
Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it
yourself.



~ Spike
Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a
tree.



~
Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven
broke.



~
Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million
and you're a conqueror



~ Arnold
Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have
50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48
million.



~
WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the
others are here for, I have no idea.



~ Jonathan
Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on
the furniture naked



~ Johnny
Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all
the impersonators would be dead.



~ Warren Tantum...
(School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a
Sagittarius and we're very skeptical



~ Steve
Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be
fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap



~
Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife
is.



. ~ Doug
Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are
electric.



~
George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never
belongs
to anyone



~
Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made
it easier to get to the airport.



~
Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad, I take something for
it.

Some classics there.