1- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.



2- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.



3- I can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.



4- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.



5- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.



6- I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.



7- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.



8- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.



9- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, exactly what's your plan?

I like em all