Hey everyone. I'm studying for a psychology final and needed a break. I wrote some material just to get my mind off it for awhile. This is my stand-up comedy therapy performance. It should be fun to do it this way. No standing in front of an audience fears, or tomatoes, but public ridicule
We should make this a tradition, it would be fun. Let me know what you think...PS: Vulgar--For some reason it came off that way--I guess it's more for a college audience, but you guys can be pretty bad.

(Please clap )
Yeah, I'm in college right now, studying for a final. I love that word "college." I call it ledge, you know "call ledge?" I call it ledge because I've been stuck on it for six fuckin' years. (Instert laughing )
Yeah, I'm takin' an abnormal psychology class right now. If you've ever been to college you've taken one. Takin' one of these is like the cheapest form of professional help. I mean you're readin' the book and it's talking about people who wash their hands constantly, hear voices, stalk their ex-girlfriends, jack off seven times a day...and I'm readin' this thing and I'm thinkin' to myself..."hey, that's me."

And then you read on in the book and it goes into "Treatment." Well...I just skip right over that. Because, you know, according to a doctor it might be a disorder, but to me it ain't so bad.

(Based on some truth here) So one day we're sittin' in lecture and the professor starts talkin' about this disorder called "agnosia." Have you ever heard of this? It's a disorder where the patient has trouble differentiating between objects...And the example the professor gave was a man who tried to put his wife on his head because he mistook her for a hat. I raised my hand because, I mean it sounds ridiculous, right? So I raised my hand and I said: you know, I'm gonna have to disagree with your diagnosis professor. The professor said: "really?" I said: Yeah, seems to me this is simply a classic case of a Freudian Slip. The professor said: "And how is that?"
--Well, I said that the man is simply trying to animate his view that all that wives are good for is head.

Ok, ok, so I get some boos from the women in the audience, but lemme tell you somethin', I haven't always been this "insensitive." I mean if you wanna talk psychology, dating women is like a field experiment.
HYPOTHESIS: Why do women act the way they do, and under what circumstances will that woman sleep with me.
MY FIELD EXPERIMENT: I've taken them out to dinner, bought them classy things, commented on how beautiful they look, engaged them in deep conversations and told them how smart they were...
CONCLUSION: Invariably, the conclusion is that none of them got me laid.
(Insert laughs )
I don't know, maybe my experiment is biased, or maybe I was just too determined. If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty, the core of my existence, and I'm not alone here, it's that I just want to get laid. You know that jackin' off seven times a day? That's a cry for help. Not from me...(points down) but him. He's down there lookin' up at me with that one sad eye sayin': "get a girl, you're hurting me."

Now what's the problem with that? Is that a disorder? And what's wrong with the derogotory comments towards women? They're just part of the experiment. I mean, I learned from this class that sometimes you have to use a little reverse psychology, and if putting women in the same lowly category as men increases my chances of a girl sleeping with me, then I'm there.

Not bad! They asked Steve Martin why he was so funny, he said he put a piece of balony in each shoe so he would feel funny! Good luck, Shayne