These are from across the Pond with the English Flavor..
------------------------
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline
going today without filing a flight plan?"
-----------------------
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working
-----------------------
ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000,
requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot
what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
--------------------------
ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?"
CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will." (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please" (more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds."
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
-----------------------
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero,
expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two
thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
--------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
---------------------------
Contol: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
--------------------------
ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oah oah! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
--------------------------
727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
----------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you
turn to the big W immediately .."
--------------------
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
-----------------------------
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
-------------------------------
A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for
immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
-----------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."
---------------------------
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
you'd get a better response!"
--------------------
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."
-----------------------
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ (Pause) "âx|âx|Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
-----------------
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and
that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
--------------------
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over
by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
------------------------------
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination
Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
------------------------------------
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
--------------------------
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh...disregard, I see you've already ejected."
----------------------
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170
knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
---------------------------
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
---------------------------------
Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"
---------------------------------
MÃnchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
--------------------------------
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway.
------------------------
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
-----------------------
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
----------------------------
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push
back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
----------------------------------

THANX!!

Best collection I have EVER read!
My wife asked what could be so funny to have me laughing out loud, on a reloading site. Most good jokes won't do that.

Kinda makes me think of a story related by a pilot as we moseyed across the sky . . .

They was departing from XXX and departure gave them notice of some severe thunderstorms in front of them and released them. A few minutes later while maintaining their heading departure called back and asked if they had radar. He proudly announced that they were indeed radar equipped . . . . the final warning about the thunderstorm intensity was simple . . . " I suggest you turn it on!"

You have to be a pilot to really get the full effect out of these. This was my favorite: Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"