Pete:

I knew a guy who was in the US Army in New Guinea in WW2. He told me that Aussies couldn't drink and always lost chug-a-lug contests even when the beer was very warm. He also told me that it was pure Aussie propaganda that they could hold their liquor. (Just because he always had to be carried to his bed (this was in college)doesn't mean he was lying, does it? So I just don't think that you could measure up to our old NY City Third Avenue Irish bars on St. Patrick's day. (Oh, yes, I've heard that some Aussies are Irish but that's really kind of an offshoot from the real thing, isn't it?)

What I love about the internet is to be able to write like this and not have to say it face to face to an Aussie. (Just kidding. We like the Aussies- even if you can't drink. There I go again!

The "WORLD" chug-a-lug record is still held by an Aussie;
Our ex-prime minister Bob Hawke!!!!!!

Bad Ass:

You say your name is Wallace? Now look, as one Celt to another, that's a Scot's name (and a very honored one among all Celts, let me hasten to say)but to us Irish, you people invented a certain kind of whiskey (trying to copy us Irish who invented the real thing)that tastes like varnish remover. (That's what my mother said. Are you insulting my mother? Of course she didn't like Irish whiskey either)
I want to be generous to the Scots. You are not bad when it comes to handling beer, I guess, but please remember that it is the Irish who are true conoisseurs of whiskey which is what real men drink. (Don't forget that God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from conquering the world. He didn't mention the Scots)BTW, how does a Scot survive in Australia? I thought the Aussies didn't allow foreigners like Scots to come in. (No jokes please about Irish "convicts" in the early days)

Rules and Regs for Rookie St. Patty's Day Partiers

The following is a useful guide for rookie St. Patty's Day partiers. If
this is the first time you will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day with
someone with Irish roots, I advise you to read this carefully.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because
by 3 p.m. you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and
without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat
wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following
supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find
it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between
the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably
end up:
* 1 quart spring water
* 1 bottle aspirin
* 5 pairs Depends undergarment
* 1 bottle Percocet
* 1 gram morphine sulphate
* 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
* 1 precharged electric defibrillator
* 4 Cardiac needles
* 1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is
a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large
volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's
Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up and taken to the bar
by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and
drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing
someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing
to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if
at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since
Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in
America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty
Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by
Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar
is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in
line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend
the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the
toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish
Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an
"Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped
with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you
a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for
coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream
can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink
like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain
your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down
your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both
have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up
excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most
frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides
I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By now, you should switch off of coffee
drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may
be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn
green because of food coloring.

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and
bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job
correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it
really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by
ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the
Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The
English are all pi$$-arsed, pig-f---ing bastards who should be lined up
and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at
least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this
leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your
heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at
closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of
.50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.
The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't
matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,
anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control
has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you
can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should
arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you
in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you
are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take
your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who
took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will
be able to bail you out.
By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of
Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.

Ted:

That's an interesting St.Patrick's day that you describe. Rather quiet and sedate but I guess you only have met lace curtain Irish. Still, your remarks are a useful introduction to the festivities. Sort of a beginner's primer.

That is just a typical week-end over here in Australia,we normally party pretty hard on St Pats day.
Peter

To the rest of the world, whiskey is whisky whether irish or scottish.
In Australia, we have refined the names into only one common liquid called "Aiming Fluid".
Now aiming fluid is the worlds greatest invention to help shooters, one or two wee nips at a time and almost everyone's aim improves! Mind, not too much or your scope image will appear blurry

Bad Ass:

I saw a sign once in a men's room: "Our aim is to keep this place clean. Yours will help". You're right. It's all "Aiming fluid'. (I heard a bartender once say: " You don't buy beer. You rent it")