quote:

TROUBLE LIGHT

quote:

Originally posted by rob270WSM:
Tools and Their Real Uses

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it cuts your hand smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Yeou shit...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age. good for snapping off bits

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. can find the Copper wather pipe when cutting the wall

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood blisters. The tool used most often by all women. leaves a scratch mark on the work to show where pliers should grab it

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs. has a adjustment for trimming the belt to be narrow

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes. Cuts the first 1" steel bar much faster than the second

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Good replacement for missing knobs on sinks

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. A high SPF blocker

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of. Nothing says quality work like Golden Globs

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. You got rid of the Brit machines, but there is always the danger they might come back.

TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. place a box under the tablesaw, and collect sawdust for spreading on oil spills. Tell the wife the problem is under control.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper. Keep on in the camper on hunting trips. It makes installing chains easier when drunk.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending
any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. Try to give it to your brother in law. You are a table saw man.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect. It takes up too much space. Drape crap over it.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle. A prop for teaching the son how to fix flat tires on a bike, but he knows he can get you to do it.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. Put the shaft in the drill chuck and wrap the handle with emery cloth. Now you can open that full choke up to modified. The handle may melt.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. Use the wire wheel to clean off the paint and rust. Grind the tip back into shape. Damn you are useful!

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts . Using this tool late at night is a good way to get the neighbors to move.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. When a claw hammer can't get the nail out, you have an alternative weapon.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to
make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. If something will not fit in the garbage can, the hammer can be used to make noise until you think of something else.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

What tools have sent you to the emergency room? It was not the tools you thought that would get you.
________________________________________________________________________