1.Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
(1). When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(2). The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(3). After wrecking your boss' car.
(4). One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(5). When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5.If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6.Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10.You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11.It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

12.Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17.You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.

18.A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

19.Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both - that's just mean.

20.If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

21.Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22.Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(1). Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(2). C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(3). Another set and we can hit the showers!

23.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24.Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
25.You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven
minutes.

26.The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.

27.It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

28.Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4
litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16
valves, and a turbo.

29.Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

30.The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2. End of story

28.Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4

28. Diesel pickup with 7.3L turbo.

Damit!



I failed 29
(but the chicks don't seem to mind...)

Trade ya for my sky blue '95 Taurus wagon...

I wish I would have known all of this stuff 35 years ago.

quote:

Originally posted by OClark:
Trade ya for my sky blue '95 Taurus wagon...

tempting... tempting.

Yup ... pretty good advice save for 29. Collins reports actually missing that one, but having done OK anyway.

I'd suggest that buying a Vitamin C (also known as Hemi Orange) Roadrunner, Charger, Super Bee, Challenger, or 'Cuda can also be excused and will serve well with the Ladies.

Dodge is calling their new orange: "GoManGo" Mango.

I guess I flunk the car test....all I have for P---y Cruises is a Porsche with a transplanted 440+ horse Pontiac V-8, Porsche turbo tranny, and a bunch of other minor mods....

Collins,

What kind of car is that? I'm so low down the totem pole here in South Alabama I don't even know what kind that is.

For me, I have a Chevy Silverado 1500 Xcab with a 5.3L V8.

It's a Lotus Elise... WAY fun, not Ferrari or Lambo class for power, but only 2/3's the weight. About 2000 lbs full of fuel and Collins. With only 200 HP it get's to 60 (102 KPH) in 4.9 secs. It's supposed to be the best handling car in the world, and one of the least comfortable. I'm sure the seat cushion was a mousepad in a former life
I'm scheduled for 4 days at Watkins Glen this summer for "Drivers Education" events... I'm originally from B'ham and would love to drive the new Barber track down there...
(17 degrees here now and snow on the way )

#23 - Not a good idea to walk up to the urinal where others are taking care of business and say "This must be where all the PRICKS hang out!"

quote:

Originally posted by Ben589:
Collins,

What kind of car is that? I'm so low down the totem pole here in South Alabama I don't even know what kind that is.

For me, I have a Chevy Silverado 1500 Xcab with a 5.3L V8.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, definately off topic here. My truck now's all I need.

Once upon a time though, before I was married I had a little Dodge Dakota with their 318 in it I bought used that someone had tricked out. I don't know a lot about engines, but this thing had Edlebrock and what-not stamped all over stuff under the hood, and all 4 tires on it must have been about 10" wide.

All I know, is when I sat in that Dodge (and it was comfy with soft leather seats), and hit the gas, it would sling whatever was on the dash back to the rear window like it was just hovering in the cab. And it would pin you to the seat from punching it from 0 - 40, just as easily as from 80 - 110.

And I've owned sportscars that would do that 0 - 40, but were sluggish and gradual jumping 70-???

I used to work out of a shop between Troy and Montgomery, and it was 54 miles from my front door to my work parking lot. Best time I ever did was a critical system failure at around 3:00am one morning and we had a production work stoppage on a critical government projet.

I left home around 3:02am that morning and pulled in to work at 3:38am. That was in much younger days, and on empty roads, but dang I enjoyed that little truck. I eventually traded it in on a factory Mustang Cobra, and was upset the Cobra felt sluggish in comparison.

That's all been many years, 2 marriages, 1 divorce, a child support payment, and 2 kids ago now though. I drive a Chevy truck, and I've had it up to around 65 or so on the interstate, and my hammer-down days are just memories.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Collins:

It's a Lotus Elise... QUOTE]



Hi,Collins:

Sure hope you have better luck over the long haul with your Lotus than I had with my two.

One of mine just about turned me into an"off-road" fan. Had to "re-hang" the doors about every 3 months, and in the winter (in Saskatchewan) the doors would frequently freeze shut during the drive to my office. Then I'd have to find a heated public parking garage (not very many of those in Regina) and just sit in the car inside the garage until the doors thawed. When it's -40 F or colder out, the alternative includes the very real possibility of freezing to death in one's own car.

My windows wouldn't go down more than about 5" so one couldn't exit that way, and with the height of the console, one couldn't crawl over to get out the passenger-side door. Good thing I was a bit younger then, with a strong bladder....

They do handle well, but I think it's debatable if they handle better than several other equal cost cars on the market.

Anyway, was the only car I've ever been repeatedly frozen into.....(Big Grin)

quote:

Originally posted by Alberta Canuck:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Collins:

It's a Lotus Elise... QUOTE]



Hi,Collins:

Sure hope you have better luck over the long haul with your Lotus than I had with my two.

One of mine just about turned me into an"off-road" fan. Had to "re-hang" the doors about every 3 months, and in the winter (in Saskatchewan) the doors would frequently freeze shut during the drive to my office. Then I'd have to find a heated public parking garage (not very many of those in Regina) and just sit in the car inside the garage until the doors thawed. When it's -40 F or colder out, the alternative includes the very real possibility of freezing to death in one's own car.

My windows wouldn't go down more than about 5" so one couldn't exit that way, and with the height of the console, one couldn't crawl over to get out the passenger-side door. Good thing I was a bit younger then, with a strong bladder....

They do handle well, but I think it's debatable if they handle better than several other equal cost cars on the market.

Anyway, was the only car I've ever been repeatedly frozen into.....(Big Grin)

Ouch! This is going to be the summer and sun car, here in Syracuse I'm planning on about 60 days a year. On a funnier note...There is a recomended SNOW TIRE listed in the owners manual. I'm thinking the Toyota drivetrain is going to aid in the reliability factor. Handling? The Elise was tested fasted ever through the standard slolom beating the Ferrari Enzo by 3 MPH (and for $450,000 less )