Gag 1: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"


Gag 2: There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around behind my back? The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!


Gag 3: A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. " Mr Schwatrz is dead!"

Mr. Schwatrz must have made the morticians wife gag three times too!

British:

As you know I'm your severest critic on this side of "the water". #1 is funny but we have heard it before.(Yes, I laughed because I didn't realize that I had heard it before until the punch line -so I guess that makes it a good joke. I give you a B+. Joke #2 is only fair and merits a C+. (Ours is the guy,married,5 children in the house who regularly goes out every night and says in leaving:" Good night, mother of 5". One evening she responds: "Good Night, father of 1") #3 is really borderline and only merits a C.

Really, British, you damned English should stop stealing jokes from us! (I say "damned" English because I am of Irish blood - and, hey! I have to keep up the feud!) (An American uncle of mine went over in 1915 and served in a British regiment as a volunteer -even after the US came in - but, heck! All families have their black sheep! Please keep the jokes coming anyway. Who knows? Some of us may even get the idea that the very proper English do, indeed, have a sense of humor!