POLICE Comments
The following conversations were taken off actual police car recordings
around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them for a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
get you help. Oh..did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers, fellah?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."

(and the best one)....

"You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women ? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

I may as well add one more example of stupid things to say to a police officer. (This one happened back in the days when disnosaurs walked the earth)

I was speeding along a Westchester County (NY) parkway. A Parkway officer pulled me over. The conversation went something like this after the preliminaries of producing license and registration:

"OFFICER - You were moving along pretty fast back there"

ME (Sincere expression on face) - Yes, I'm sorry about that,officer. She kinda got away from me coming down the hill back there"

OFFICER - OK, get outta here - and slow down!"


FAST FORWARD to three weeks later. I am on the same Parkway but coming in the other direction. Coincidentally, there was a steep hill and I came flying down it to a straightaway and flashed by a war monument. Too late I realized that there was an officer parked there.

I was pulled over. As the officer got out of the patrol car I recognized him instantly as the same officer who had stopped me three weeks before. Now I made my fatal mistake! Like all wrongdoers I underestimated the police) The folowing conversation occurred after the preliminaries:

OFFICER - You were going pretty fast back there.

ME (sincere expression on face) - Yeah,I'm sorry, Officer. She kinda got away from me coming down the hill back there".

OFFICER - You sonofagun! - That's what you said three weeks ago!"

I wanted to sink through the pavement. The officer grinned at me. This time, the book came out and he wrote me up. However he was still a good guy because he asked me how fast I was going. I told the truth -about 70MPH (The limit was 50) He said for FINALLY being honest ( I laughed) he would put down 60MPH. This was a real benefit because the local Justices of the Peace had a rule to fine about $10 if the speeder was 10 miles over limit - but throw the book for any higher speeds)

I have often thought over the years - How could I have been so stupid to not realize that if I recognized the officer that he wouldn't recognize me? Someday an experienced traffic officer is going to write a book about his experiences with us speeders. I bet he would make a mint.