The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...



SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.



Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job"



Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:


1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.


3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.



AND My "Favorite"..From 80 Years of Life:


5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



BONUS RULE:


Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot & killed by the woman's husband.

3 rules of life from Edward Abbey
Never play cards with a man called Doc,
Never eat at a place called Mom's, +
Never go to bed with a woman that has more problems than you do;well almost never.