Dear Bill,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Bill." I look for you in the eyes of every man I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this man at Flamingos and brought him home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

He was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent body building can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Muscles like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.

Every womens's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch blowing this stunners massive meatloaf, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect muscler body mean? Does it make him better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make him a better person? Does he have a better heart than my moderately handsome Bill? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I gulped down about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just his flawless technique or his shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Bill, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carl, that single dad we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, he dropped by last week with a beer & pizza. He said he figured I wasn't eating right without a man around. I didn't know what he meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. he's giving me everything, you know, like a real man does when he's not hung up about his weight or his career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, he spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So he puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Bill ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your little beother drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Ricky's just a kid and all, but he's got a pretty good head on his shoulders and he's been a real friend to me during this painful time. he's given me lots of good advice about you and about men in general. he's pulling for us to get back together, Bill, he really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage boy with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much he looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Ricky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Bill. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dana

I couldn't resist!