Dave and Billsleg:

I don't care if you don't believe me but I swear on my sainted mother that I found these on an AUSSIE website. (Of course, I also enjoy insulting Aussies from a safe distance of 12,000 miles. What Irishman could pass up a chance to insult?) Anyway, here goes:

Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

A. It's not worth shitting on.


Q. Why was the Christ Child not born in Australia?

A. You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin.


An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were aboard an aircraft - when suddenly the pilot advised everyone to bail out because the airplane was about to crash. The Englishman's jump was spectacular. He shouted: " I'm doing this for my country!". The Irishman jumped next and shouted: " Ireland forever!"

The New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Aussie and pushed him out of the plane - and cried: " I do this for my country!"

Q. What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A. A cheat

Q. If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

A. The blonde - the other two don't exist.

Q. What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
(Just kidding on this one)

NEWS Flash from Tokyo!

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a ahutter speed so fast that it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

( I now intend to go to my dugout and prepare for counterbattery fire)

Thanks Gerry there were a couple of new ones here, but for the main I had seen before with Irish or Pole now replaced with Aussie!!

Regarding the Jack Daniels I thought a wholesome Irishman like yourself, would view the drinking of anything but Irish whisky or Guinness as a sacrilegious act, I suppose that every man does have his price after all.....especially lawyers

billsleg:

First I laughed -now I shoot back!

One of the serious weaknesses of the Irish is their misplaced loyalty to Irish and to Guiness. Let me quickly dispose of Guiness. It's an ale or a stout and not suitable for imbibing by civilized Celts. ( By "civilized Celts, of course, I mean we Irish who have been influenced by finer things in life. I understand that Australia is gradually coming under such influences)

Let me be blunt about Irish whisky. I fell under the influence of a Celtic woman in early life who felt (and I quote) " "Scotch tastes like varnish remover. Irish whisky is good as a paint remover". The trouble with many Irish is that they never were exposed to the virtues of what US Southerners call"sippin' whisky" (like Jack Daniels). The Irish (and the Scots drinking that other stuff) have to throw down their so called "whisky" they drink because otherwise it would be burning their tongues. We have moonshiners brewing stuff in steel drums in the mountains that tastes less smoky. Of course, I'm referring to moonshine that has been aged for nearly 4 days. (Like the quality stuff shipped to Australia)

Finally - If I ever make it to Australia -can we agree to keep my occupation in a former life a secret?

Gerry I have to agree with you regarding Guiness, an insistant colleague had me try it at a corporate function.

I spent the next 30 minutes looking for a stray cat, so that I could lick it's arse to get the taste of the Guiness out of my mouth, God what were they thinking when they made that stuff.

Have no fear about your professional anonimity, I too must confess to being employed with a major oil company, (that will probably draw some taunts) we tend to be as much loved by the public as lawyers, car salesmen & repossesssion agents........but where would they all be without us to blame for the woes in their lives!!

Should you ever make it out here, I would be pleased to catchup and take lessons in the noble art of 'whisky sippin'

Billsleg