HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"



His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'

what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,"

It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

(This one is my favorite)



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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family

Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the

morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city

because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a

meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss

my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along

with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give

you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and

announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new

building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your

pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish

carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of

humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand

printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten

boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.."

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before

a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there

were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him

toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for

a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in

my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the

center of attention.

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Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going

to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they

were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was

annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute

had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to

know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have

to think of something to play after I make the announcement

about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and

Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much

as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can

pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled

Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Where's Vashper when you need him?

Oh, Lord, don't get Vashper involved in this one!

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"