SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to

convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.



SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

All True!!

quote:

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

Just last week my yardboy got the grand opportunity to be educated about this tool.
He almost lost his fingerprints on 2 of his digits.

Wife worked at a hospital. One day shortly after Christmas, she met one of the surgeons with a very bandaged hand. wife gave him a skil saw for Christmas. Never did find out if he had to find a new career.

Grizz

That should be posted in every carpentry shop, repair shop, factory and machine shop on earth!

I've had too many young guys over the years working for me that this is so applicable to to make it not funny,however I do have a sense of humor.

40 years ago I hit an amour piercing bullet in a log while cutting firewood with chain saw. Saw kicked back & I got hit in face.
6 hour's of surgery.
Surgeon had just came back from Viet Nam.
Hardly noticeable now.

quote:

Originally posted by OTTOMATIC:
40 years ago I hit an amour piercing bullet in a log while cutting firewood with chain saw. Saw kicked back & I got hit in face.
6 hour's of surgery.
Surgeon had just came back from Viet Nam.
Hardly noticeable now.

Years back, I panneled a bar with rustic lumber from a local saw mill. Several nicely sectioned 9 mm slugs in the boards.

These are great!!!

I think I a can up with a few of my own......

CENTER PUNCH: A tool used to help drill holes off center.

1/2 to 3/8 SOCKET ADAPTOR: A tool used to test the Sears Craftsman lifetime replacement policy of 3/8 drive sockets.

BREAKER BAR: A tool used to permanently disable a threaded hole by breaking off bolts flush with with said threaded hole.

COMPOUND MITRE SAW: A tool used to gain practice in three dimensional thinking.

O.K. here is a true one told to me from the Snap-On sales rep. You know those LARGE screwdrivers that we use as cheaters/pry bars,etc.? Well you will notice that the flat of the blade cooinsides with the flat of the shaft into the handle.Snap-On copyrighted that design. Look at vany Matco,etc. pry screwdriver,the Snap-On is the only one that will work.

O.K. The value of tools + the knowledge to use them to provide the correct end result.True story here. I have a sheet metal shop. One day I get this lawyer coming in that wanted a sign built for his business. I quoted him $80.00 + you would have thought that I had kidnapped Lindy's baby.He says ell how long will it take you? I told him that really did'nt matter but if he had to know,about an hour.He puffs up + says,Hell thats what I make an hour. So I told him so what is the problem? He says thats different,I have an education. You may be sure that I showed him the door. That was just offensive. We all have an education,just in different fields.I've got over 40 years of experience + several thousands of dollars in shop equipment;hmmmm,ought to count for something.