-My Liver likes that I'm an alcoholic. Now it's big enough to beat up the rest of my organs.
-Is that a keg in your pocket? Cuz I wanna tap that ass!
-Do you know why they call it 'pregnancy'? Because 'drug dealer's hellspawn growing and festering in the depths of my loins' was taken.
-There is no good and evil, just fun or boring.
-Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some.
-If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, would it be considered a hostage situation?
-I wanna leave this world like I came in Drunk,naked, screaming, bloody and high on crack.
-Necrophilia is never having to say you're sorry

-Whew, I'm sweating like the Tooth Fairy in West Virginia!

-So, are those real implants?

-The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

-Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

-I'm so miserable without you; it's like you're here.

-So a baby seal walks into a club.

-What kind of fool uses rhetorical questions?

-If 3 out of 4 people suffer from Syphillis, does that mean one is enjoying it?

-I've had a wonderful night, but this wasn't it.

-If a man talks in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

-You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

-Does donating sperm for cash make you a prostitute?

-I would introduce my girlfriend to my family, but for some silly reason they discriminate against whores.

-Of all the sayings my Grandfather used to tell me, the one one that stands out in my mind is: "Boy, never marry a woman with big hands. They make your cock look small."

-Like my saint of a granny always said, "FUCK 'EM!"

-That which doesn't kill you only delays the inevitable.

-Life is cheap....Death is free

-My favorite pick up line is: "how bad do you want to live?

-If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

-I like my coffee like I like my women, ground up and in the freezer.

-A priest, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar -- oh, wait, that was just the first guy!

-I don't smoke filtered cigarettes for the same reason I don't drink whiskey through a bar rag.

-A clear conscience is a sign of a life misspent.

- I hate brushing my teeth before work -- it makes drinking on the job taste funny.

- I wouldn't fuck you for practice.

- When I was a teenager a wise man told me to buy things that increase in value and lease things that decrease in value, and that's why to this day I am still single.

- What's the worst part of eating a rabbit? It's little paws patting you in the face.

- Butt-fucking is like eating spinach: if your forced to have it as a child, you will like it less as an adult.

- No one dies a virgin -- life screws us all.

- Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth like you do.

- Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

- There is a God. He loves me. Like an Alcoholic beating the shit out of his wife.

- Happiness is a warm, smoking, belt-fed weapon.

- Strip mining prevents forest fires.

- If you are what you eat, I should be eating alot more ass.

-Any man can quit smoking, it takes a real man to face cancer!

- If were all God's children, why is Jesus so special?

- Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.

- The fuck machine is out of order, so fuck yourself and save a quarter.

- You say tomato, I say shut the fuck up.

- Love sucks, shovels are cheap, fuck a corpse.

- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virgnity.

- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

- Blood, sweat and tears, my favorite lubricants.

- Women: can't live with 'em, but the alternative is sucking cock.

- You may not like what I have to say, but I'll defend to your death my right to say it.

- The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

- If God had intended for us to have just one woman, he wouldn't have made the rest look so damn good.

- Definition of Wife: A woman who has chosen to ruin one mans life instead of filling many men's lives with pleasure.

- Oral sex makes ones' day, but anal sex makes ones' hole weak.

- If voting really changed things, it would be ILLEGAL!

- I'm pro Bush.....Why switch horsemen in the middle of the apocolypse?

- You sound like a shit salesman with a mouthful of samples!

-I have a custom-made holster for my dick. Actually it's just a sock connected to a belt, but still cool.

-Clothes do make the man; naked people have little or no influence on society.

-Begging for mercy only makes my penis harder.

-Life is like a bear. It thinks it's playing with you, but it's really kicking your ass.

-Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

-When you guys get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. -Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy.

-I'm glad I drove; I'm way too fucked-up to walk home.

-If laughter is the best medicine, there can be no doubt that weed is good for you.

-Alcoholic (n.) - A person you don't like, who can drink more than you.

-I'm not drinking anymore. Of course, I'm not drinking any less either.

-Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

-Nothing is better than sex. . Masturbation is better than nothing . . . therefore masturbation is better than sex.

-You know you're turning a woman on when you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse

-I'm not gay, but I'm starting to believe that being fucked in the ass would be far less painful than dealing with women.

-Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you got, the less shit you gotta eat.

-Is it my imagination, or did President Bush address 50 million people without electricity, on TV, telling them everything will be alright?

-Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

The early bird may get the worm, but what does the early worm get?