A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be> quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held
my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I
didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we
eat them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked."

-------------------


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two. Take us to your leader." The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross and the older one spotted this.

"I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one. The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A
massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 meters into the
desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked
dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous??"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during
my travels through the galaxy," said the healthier one.

"When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."


-----------------------

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides be worth it. So he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. Take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. Thefarmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself, I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ...."