My tolerance for idiots is extremely low to-
day. I used to have some immunity built up,
but obviously there is a new strain out there.

* As I watch this generation try and rewrite
our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be
misspelled and have no punctuation.

* Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today.
I've been in the Produce Department trying to
open this stupid plastic bag.

* I want to be 14 again and ruin my life
differently. I have new ideas.

* Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes
the words: defence, defeat, detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defence,
defeat go first and then detail.

* I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough
food on one.

* Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation
"Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

* I put my scale in the bathroom corner and
that's where the little liar will stay until it
apologizes.

* My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19
open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue
where the music is coming from.

* Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a
wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without
knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

Thanks!!

When my son joined the navy in 1994 + went to basic, he told me that they had guys in there who had never used a pencil + didn't know how to tie their shoes.

Turn off GPS and the little fu***rs cant find their A$$ to whipe it.

Map and compass :-(