A very successful California lawyer parked his brand new golden Lexus in
front of the office in preparation for showing it off to his colleagues.
As he was stepping out, a truck came along and completely tore off the
driver's side door. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed
911, and in less than five minutes a policeman arrived. But, before the
officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically -- his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was
now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how much work
the body shop did on it.
After the lawyer finally wound down, the cop shook his head in disgust and
disbelief: "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
"My God," pondered the astonished policemen, "don't you even realize that
your left arm is missing? It was obviously ripped off when the truck hit
you!"
"Oh my God!," screamed the lawyer, "my Rolex!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor's office

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong, though the room is full of other patients. I know
you have all experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Hung Chow called his boss and said:
"Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says:
"You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to
my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can
go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great, I be at work soon ................ You got really nice house."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: JOKES FOR NOT SO YOUNG PEOPLE



Old Age 1: Three sisters aged 92, 94, and 96 years live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the
bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come
up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."



Old Age 2: An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said,
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he
threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"



Old Age 3: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time... but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"



Old Age 4: Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have a
suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm
glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing-aid is."



Old Age 5: When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death
notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were
the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea. Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can
give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer
an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom, "Please send Tony Blair in here,
would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room.

"Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles.
"Answer this for me, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It
is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me come back to you on that
one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Now that's a failure of intelligence...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ´Your
Eminence´."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well-hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ´My God´..."

old age#6

Three elderly gentlemen are walking in the park when the wind comes up and nearly blows one mans hat off. He says, "Certainly is windy", the second one says,"No, it's Thursday", the third one says, "so am I, let's get a beer".