Associated Press
Raleigh, NC

July 29, 2013

As a result of the Travon Martin ruling and because there are no black drivers in NASCAR, in a bold move Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. In addition this announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plan to employ black youngsters. The decision to hire them was also brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment and barely any equipment at all, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and innovative marketing move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.