Authentic complaints received by Local Councils from their Tenants around
England:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

2. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
fence.Not only is this making a heck of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the
middle.

3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside
toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

7. Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.

8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. Its all right when my
husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times
a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.

9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if
you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
every night.

13. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the
wife.

14. Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed
the door the other night, she pulled my knob too hard and now it's ready to
fall off.