Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or
a vasectomy.