Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
> pilots
> and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a serious
> accident.
>
> NOTE: "P" stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log
>
> "S" stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
>
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for!
>
> P: IFF inoperative in O.F.F mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing. (This was for a piston-engined aeroplane; the
> pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed

My flying days are over!

Johan

Those union mechanics are just full of laughs. Just imagine what they might do if the pay scale were higher.

I can't claim these as being original but I found them funny. Perhaps you will enjoy - and don't get PO'd if it is YOU they are speaking of!

"You May be a Redneck Pilot if..."

... your flight attendent is pregnant and not married
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your twisted wing Mooney from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... the set of "matching luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper

Best regards,

This is a true story, told to me by a North Sea Oil Platform crew that frequented the bar I used to tend.

For those who don't know, these crews are flown in for their extended shifts on helicopters, and the aren't always "mission ready" when arriving at the aircraft.

So, one of the pilots decides to have some fun. He crawls in the passenger compartment, and pretends to be passed out. As the crew members pile into the helicopter for their flight out, he pretends to wake up, and starts making a general ruckus. To the passenger, he's obviously a somewhat belligerent fellow, a good bit drunk. After everyone is on board, and another five minutes of belly-aching, the "passenger-pilot" loudly proclaims that "if that *&^% pilot doesn't show up, there's going to be hell to pay. Two minutes more, and the guy proclaims "*^%$ it, we don't need a pilot".

Upon which the fellow climbs into the pilot's seat, puts the flight helmet on, straps in, flips a number of switches, and the rotor starts turning.......

What would you do at that point? LOL! Dutch.