A criminal court judge makes an opening statement to the jury in a double-homicide case.

"In the first indictment, the defendant is charged with willfully causing the death of his wife in the following manner, to wit: beating and crushing her skull with a 16-ounce hammer."

From the back of the packed courtroom a figure leaps to his feet and cries out: "YOU BASTARD !!!"

The judge continues: "In the second indictment, the defendant is charged with willfully causing the death of his mother-in-law in the following manner, to wit: beating and crushing her skull with a 16-ounce hammer."

Again, the figure in the back of the courtroom leaps to his feet and shouts: "YOU SON OF A BITCH !!!"

With this, the judge smacks his gavel loudly and in an irritated voice declares that he will not tolerate such outbursts "...understandable though they may be...", and warning that any such further utterances will result in a charge of contempt of court.

The figure in the rear of the courtroom quickly rises. "I'm sorry, your honor. I meant no disrespect. But the court should know that I've lived next door to the defendant for the past 18 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer from him, he told me he didn't have one."

the Shan of a far off ancient land was a well liked leader. but he suffered from seisures that were both painful and dangerous, so every were the shan went, he took with him two body guards, one to hold him down and open his mouth and the other to hold his tounge so he didnt swallow it and die during a seisure.

one day the shan was out in the market dressed as a peasent as he usually did so he can mingle with the crowd without being noticed. the shan notices a nice piece of pottery that he thinks will look good in his chambers, so he asks the vendor the price.

the shop owner immediatly recognizes the shan, and knows that he should just hand him the piece, but he also realizes that the shan doesnt want to be seen so he answers 10 copper, the shan smiles thinking he really has the man fooled into thinking that he is just a peasent and responds with a counter offer of 3 copper.

the man responds "this is one of the finest peices in the land, I cant let it go for that low, 9 copper"

the guards let the shan continue from a distance and one of them wanders off to talk to some women at another shop.

meanwhile the shan and the shop owner are getting more and more into the bargaining, the shan absolutly excited that he is able to fit in with his people like this and the owner so proud that the shan would want one of his creations.

they are yelling and pointing and haggleing over the price at a fevered pitch when suddenly the shan has an attack. the one guard runs over to him and grabs him to hold him down. he looks around but the other guard is nowhere to be found.

he opens the shan's mouth and looks around again. still no other guard. so he jams his knee into the shan's jaws to hold the mouth open and grabs for his tounge.

the shan still in the midst of the fit bites down on the guards knee causing him great pain but the guard stays fast and soon the shan starts to recover.

the shan is getting up from where he was fallen just as the other guard comes running up to the scene.

the first guard sitting on the ground sweating and with a knee bloodied yells at him.

"where were you when the fit hit the shan"