An American tourist, a young man, rents a car in Sydney and is driving across Australia. It happens that while he is driving across a lonely, unpeopled part of the country (up here we say "godforsaken") he has to take a pee.

He pulls the car over and takes care of business. Just as he is about to get back in the car, a hard looking type comes out of the bush and points a shotgun at him.

Being a sensible guy who is always nervous when a shotgun is looking at him, the American tourist stands very still.

The hard looking guy says: " Pull"

The American is puzzled. " Beg your pardon?" ( he's from NY and is very polite)

The Aussie says: " Masturbate"

The American does so.

The Aussie says: " Now do it again".

Although a young man, the American says:" You mean right now?" The shotgun moves menacingly and the guy masturbates again.

The Aussie says: "Do it again".

The American says: " No way! You may as well shoot me now and get it over with!"

The Aussie lowers the shotgun and calls a pretty young woman out of the bush and says: " OK, I guess it's safe for you to give my sister a lift about 3 miles down the road".

Gerry this all sounded quite plausible until I got to that pure piece of fantasy "(he's from NY and is very polite)" the whole thing sort off fell apart from there on.

Billsleg:

It always saddens me when someone from Australia questions the famous good manners of my home state's biggest city! I realize that Aussies have standards that the rest of us can only hope to reach one day but I was expecting some of that gentle courtly courtesy that Australians are so famous for! Hello!, Hello! - Operator! I was cut off!

(A few sips of Jack Daniels always mellows me )

Gerry, I'm sure there are some wonderful folk in downtown NY, however, most of us downunder have been scarred for life by the the wonderful portayal of US city life on the big screeen (which I'm sure is all based on fact) as well as smallscreen productions including those from another Gerry (Springer I think) for us the concept that a kevlar jacket and 9mm auto are seen to be fashion accessories is still a bit alien to our way of life but hey give it time I'm sure we'll get there, We have already started with the Taxi cabs by employing rude non english speaking drivers that were flogging camels around the desert 2 weeks before we issued them with a drivers licence and let them loose on our roads.

Gerry at least we can agree on one thing Jack Daniels great stuff!!it would send a jellyfish stiff

Billsleg:

I laughed -and I also was sorry about some parts of your reply. (Let me get one quick piece of business out of the way. Jerry Springer {please note I have a different initial! Very important to the Irish!} was a former mayor of Cleveland in the state of Ohio. Since I do not want to fight off my fellow Americans just to tell off an Aussie, you will simply have to understand that Cleveland in relation to New York City is like - well, you pick some spot out in the Outback and compare it to Sydney - or even in tropical Australia)

Your mention of a Kevlar jacket and a 9mm is sad. In my time we had the Colt, 1911,A1,45 ACP. You guys had the 455 Webley. (OK, OK, I never was impressed by break open revolvers but, at least, it shot a cartridge that always ended the argument!) Isn't it odd that I have never read of a Kevlar jacket stopping a 45?

Quick story about taxi cab drivers - I had a client one time who had spent much time as a mining engineer in both Pakistan and Afghanistan. We got into a cab in Manhattan (NEw York City) Both of us noticed that he was an obvious recent immigrant. My client identified him immediately - and began to speak to him in Urdu. They got on famously and we got to our destination safely. I sometimes have wondered what the chances were from that cab driver's perspective that a white man would get into the cab and speak his language perfectly? Anyway, regards.

P.S. I'm glad that Aussies are learning about the better things in life like Jack Daniels.

quote:

Originally posted by billsleg:
Gerry, I'm sure there are some wonderful folk in downtown NY, however, most of us downunder have been scarred for life by the the wonderful portayal of US city life on the big screeen (which I'm sure is all based on fact) as well as smallscreen productions including those from another Gerry (Springer I think) for us the concept that a kevlar jacket and 9mm auto are seen to be fashion accessories is still a bit alien to our way of life but hey give it time I'm sure we'll get there, We have already started with the Taxi cabs by employing rude non english speaking drivers that were flogging camels around the desert 2 weeks before we issued them with a drivers licence and let them loose on our roads.

Gerry at least we can agree on one thing Jack Daniels great stuff!!it would send a jellyfish stiff

Oh sure, Paul Hogan seemed to have a good time in New York in "Crcodile Dundee". Everything I learned about Australia I learned in the movies and on the telly. Aren't Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin typical Aussies?

quote:

Originally posted by gerry375:
Jerry Springer {please note I have a different initial! Very important to the Irish!} was a former mayor of Cleveland in the state of Ohio. Since I do not want to fight off my fellow Americans just to tell off an Aussie, you will simply have to understand that Cleveland in relation to New York City is like - well, you pick some spot out in the Outback and compare it to Sydney - or even in tropical Australia)

Springer was the Mayor of Cincinnati

Hey Frank, I'm shocked that you would think that an extroverted hyperactive twat like Steve Irwin doesn't represent the true spirit down under, why only only this morning I had to wrestle a 'croc' out of my pool (while constantly yelling Crickey) so the missus and kids could have a swim, bloody things are always getting in (the crocs that is) not to mention the damn kangaroo's crapping over my lawn or those nasty drop bears just waiting for some one to walk under their tree so they can drop down and savage them.

I guess you guys will just have to come down under and see for yourselves.

Right, that's my bit done for the Aussie tourism industry!!!

Birddog 1

OUch! My humble apologies for shooting too quick from the hip. Sometimes my mouth get ahead of my brain.

Billsleg:

Your mention of Steve Irwin stirred up an old prejudice of mine -ever since I have seen this guy on American TV.

I was bitten by a copperhead snake when I was a rather small 6 years of age. (just above the ankle, fortunately) The copperhead snake of the US, while poisonous, ordinarily is not fatal -except to small hildren.. I nearly died and was saved by a quick thinking father and being able to get me to where vaccine was available. As you might imagine, I retained a life long dread of snakes. Living in country, of course, I learned to accept snakes as a part of Nature (because of a good father) - but never did I really accept them in my heart.

MY whole longwinded point is to say that I have always despised Steve Irwin - and I am 76 and have liked and admired Aussies since I can remember. I just don't like him. I don't know if it's his accent - (I'm pretty sure that's not it) Frankly.it's his attitude of picking on a dangerous critter who is minding his own business - and doing it for money on TV - that bothers the hell out of me. Do Aussies go looking for the brown snake or for crocs? I just don't think so. He does things about dangerous critters - and makes it look like it's easy. Just yesterday on US cable news we had a report of an American doctor being snatched in Botswana by a crocodile. ( We should have had Irwin there. Where was he and his cameras in real life?)

Birddog 1

I forgot to add to my previous apology to you for mistaking Cleveland for Cincinnati is that (and this is for the benefit of all foreigners, including Aussies) Cincinnati is our "Queen City" of the Ohio River - and our Ohio River is our supreme Eastern river that comes in to the Mississippi ( which our American Indians called "Father of Waters")

Gerry, it is like most other places, the wild life is just that wild, if you use common sense and be aware of where you are, you will usually have good experiences, Over the years when I was out hunting, I have twice had a snake rear up to strike both times they were tiger snakes and it was mating season, normally they head the opposite direction from humans. Funny thing with the croc's in Northern Australia is that they are protected fauna and not to be hunted, it's probably been like that for 20+ years and we are now starting to see some very large 16-18 foot crocs getting to be a problem in areas that are frequented by tourists and fishermen.

The thing that probably is most dangerous to tourists visiting here, is the Box Jelly Fish found at certain times of the year in the coastal waters of north Queensland, they can inflict terribly painful wounds and at times death.

There is one thing that I'am confused about, when you said that "Cincinnati is our Queen City", I was under the impression that San Francisco held that title???

Billsleg:

Thanks for the interesting reply. (I learned to develop a fervent hatred of crocs on a single 3 week visit to Africa. I sincerely hope that Aussies and aborigines in northern Australia ignore what the Government says about killing crocs)

When I say "Queen city" (an actual title once applied to Cinncinati) you will have to put that expression down to how an old American uses it! One time in the US "gay" meant simply light hearted. You have reminded me how times have changed! ( Saddest of all is your reference to San Francisco - One time we older Americans can remember when it was not only a beautiful city scenerywise - but was considered one of the greatest cities in the country to be in with a girl.Times really have changed!)

Gerry, crocs? What crocs? I didn't do anything officer, those crocs were dead when we got here!

Dave:

I laughed out loud. As I said, I developed a real hatred of crocs. I also am on the side of our mountaineer "moonshiners" making "illegal" whisky {Translation - "illegal" because our US TReasury can't get the taxes} Gee! I knew the Irish could be a lawless bunch but here I am supporting lawbreakers in my old age! It must be the influence of Aussies on this website!