>
>For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
>week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am
>still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years
>ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
>I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named
>Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and
>model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
>my enthusiasm to get started!
>
>The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . . .
>
>Dear Diary:
>
>MONDAY
>
>Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
>
>Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
>At the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
>
>She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and
>dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
>Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
>
>She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
>
>She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
>standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
>
>I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics
>class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
>Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
>already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
>
>This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>TUESDAY
>
>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>
>Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
>when she put weights on it!
>
>My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile.
>Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
>
>I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
>WEDNESDAY
>
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the
>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
>
>I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
>didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
>parking lot.
>
>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other
>club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
>and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
>
>My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
>stair monster.
>
>Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
>rendered obsolete by elevators?
>
>Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
>
>She said some other shit too.
>
>THURSDAY
>
>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
>thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
>
>I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie
>my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
>
>When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
>
>She sent Lars to find me.
>
>Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
>FRIDAY
>
>I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
>other human being in the history of the world.
>
>Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
>
>If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
>would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
>I don't have any triceps!
>
>And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
>M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
>The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
>teacher.
>
>Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
>Choir director?
>
>SATURDAY
>
>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
>voice wondering why I did not show up today.
>
>Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
>However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
>catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>SUNDAY
>
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
And
>thank GOD that this week is over.
>
>I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a Gift
>for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

There is one of these for snow also. If anyone has it I would love for them to post it here, I could use it about now!