Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?

Three engineering students were gathered together iscussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a woman, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A lawyer, an insurance salesman, and an engineer were sentenced to be executed by guillotine. The lawyer was first, and the executioner asked him whether he wanted to lie face up or face down. The lawyer said, "Face up. I'm not afraid to look death in the eye." When the rope was released, the blade dropped toward the lawyer's neck and suddenly stopped, an inch from his throat. The crowd exclaimed, "it's a miracle," and the lawyer was released with a full pardon.

Next was the insurance salesman. "Face up, just like him," he said, pointing to the lawyer. The blade sped down toward the salesman's neck and again stopped just an inch short of cutting his throat. "It's a miracle," screamed the crowd, and the salesman was released along with the lawyer.

The engineer was pushed toward the guillotine and asked the same question as the others. "Well, it worked out pretty well for those guys, let's try face up." The engineer lay back, waiting for the blade to drop, and suddenly a smile spread across his face. He turned to the executioner and said "Hey buddy, I see the problem with this thing!"

H. C.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer were riding in a car when the engine suddenly quit.

The mechanical engineer said, �The problem must be with the valves, we�ll have to take the valve covers off and either clean them or replace them.�

The electrical engineer said, �No, the problem is with the spark plugs, we�ll have to pull them and either clean them or replace them entirely.�

The software engineer said, �Why don�t we just get out of the car and get back in?�