The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals
and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer
was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its
two distinct subgroups.

Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to
settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it
ordained the invention of agriculture.

After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned
actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly,
however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been
invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, and the
brewery.

This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to
the division of the species, which persists to this day.

Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term
"conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous
pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big
barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and
telling off color jokes.

Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for
the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they
sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate
schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as
"liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on
fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings. Today some liberals try to
pretend they're really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in
confusing people.

The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types.

By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people
are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes
allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.

Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, MartinSheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor bitch Jane Fonda.

All conservatives drink beer. American beer.

Some liberals like imported beer (they add lime to some for "taste"), but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.

Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up
the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.
Big game hunters are conservative.

Interior decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.

James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives.

Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals. Most social workers,
personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. journalists, and group therapists are liberals.

Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are
conservatives.

Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police.

Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on
trial. Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.

Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans.

Conservatives think Europesans are basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars. Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona","Patton", and "Conan the Barbarian".

Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and "The Big Chill".

The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how
much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race
"fair".

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked,"Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which thecowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born."

Thank you Hobie.

Now that's just pretty cool. I'll print it for my dad.

Paul

I don't see anything in this that I disagree with. Great post.

Amen.....and Thanks

Good shot, Hobie.

American beers: Sierra Nevada, Saranac, Red Hook, Yeungling, Pete's Wicked. I've even discovered that those 40-ounce bottles of Hurricane aren't too bad with pizza, steak or ribs. Try one! The really lucky people are those out in central WA state where they have Fat Tire, Moose Drool and Black Butte.

[ 07-25-2003, 18:39: Message edited by: rootbeer ]