This was before you had to use swear words to be funny.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60". Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "What did I tell you?”

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

How was copper wire invented? Someone gave 2 jews one penny.

I have a jewish friend that said he had jewish altzheimers;you forget everything but the guilt.

Roseann Barr's (yes, her) is better. "I got that dyslexia anorexia." "Never looks like I'm fat enough!"

Buddy Hackett told the tale that when he went in the army it was the 1st time he had'nt been eating his jewish mothers cooking + when after a week of army food he thought he was gonna die because his fire had gone out.

Why is a Jew unlike a canoe? Canoes tip

Then there's the old Vaudville joke about the guy who takes his pet chicken into the movies but puts it down his pants so he can get in. Ater hes seated by 2 women he opens his fly to let the chicken breathe. The one-woman whispers to the other, "Mabel that man beside me has his zipper down + something is sticking out!" Mabel replies "Aw Harriett, you've seen one you've seen them all." Harriett says, "But Mabel this ones eating my popcorn!"

Might as well join in bashing our cousins!

Why do Jewish girls make good prostitutes?

"You got it, you sell it, you still got it!"

Old Harry Weisse told me once+ what he told his wife was "RUTH., you never have TO WORRY AGAIN to getting [preggnant; I just went oyu + bought a condominium.

My apologies. Although the message be true, the end result if\s "My GOD!. we can't have that bt ow, can we?