> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other
> announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
> have been heard or reported:
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
> your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
> make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of this airplane."
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
> you for a ride."
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
> to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
> and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
> don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised."
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
> pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
> secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
> more than one small child pick your favorite.
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
> you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> Airlines."
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
> take them with our compliments."
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the
> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
> assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
> the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased
> to have some of the best flight attendants in
> the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
> and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
> here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
> fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
> approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
> hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
> belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> gate!"
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had
> a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
> Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
> He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
> a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
> said the pilot. "What is it?" The
> little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
> your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
> the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
> way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next
> time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
> pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
> captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
> Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
> have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
GOD!"...
>
>
> Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
> intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
> sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
> attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's
> nothing. He should see the back of mine!

I got this in an email a while back:

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

hmmm QUANTUS?
"P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words."
guess quantus is getting tough on competitors...
(note this list in many forms has been around the aviation circuit so much that its almost impossible to track down the origin)

anyway...

here is some more random stuff

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.




You Might be a Redneck Pilot if...

Your stall warning plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've ever used moonshine as av gas.
You have mud flaps on your skid shoes.
You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a purina feed sack as a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut. You refer to flying formation as "We've got us a convoy".
Your matched set of luggage is three grocery sacks from Piggly Wiggly.
You fuel your aircraft from a mason jar.
You've got a gunrack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowlings together.
You figure the weight of mud and manure on your aircraft into the CG calculations.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in the aircraft.
You consider anything over 100 feet AGL to be "High Altitude".
There are parts of your aircraft labeled "John Deere".
You answer all calls from female ATCs with, "That's a big ten-four little darlin".
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical fin.
You think ZULU time has something to do with Africa.
Just before impact you are heard saying "Hey, ya"ll, watch this!".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.




What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.



Excerpt from FAA Accident Report Eyewitness Statement

Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.

Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off wind- screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.

Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.

Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.

When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take- off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal--nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice--then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.

After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes--to about 300 ft--then the engine quit!

Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda like that Art School guy-- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!

The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up--went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things--over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot--a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.

When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down--once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake.

Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.



Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991
(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...) ---

Perils of Road Testing No. 23 Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records.

We quote the official FAA report. "During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact. "Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"