Thought You Guys Might Enjoy This!


My First Taser Experience

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future. Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife.

The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle
twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of
these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions).

I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create
an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward
to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop! Yipeeeeee!

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the
time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and !
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second
burst from such! a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is
so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)


I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, and then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The
dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV
across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce
or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.

Never Touching the Taser Again

My dad had one of those that would arc between the post. One night he was putting it in his front pocket and hit the button and it arced on his balls. We had to laugh and run as he was pissed.

Hey I have a can of fox labs 5.3 million SHU pepper spray wanna give it a try?



Here ya go check this out 775,000 volts should make your hair smoke!! http://www.tbotech.com/stun-gun-775v.htm

Hey DPH,
Send me a bottle and we will spray it on our food here in way south Texas!!!

quote:

Originally posted by gas57:
Hey DPH,
Send me a bottle and we will spray it on our food here in way south Texas!!!

BWHAHAHA I would love to see that!! You'd be spraying diarrhea for a month if you ingested that crap!! This stuff's hotter than the fire's of hell!!!!

Sierrabravo45

It is a good thing you did not buy her a 357 Magnum Lady Smith.

Hey DPH, We like our hot sauce in these parts, it burns, stings, tastes good, and then gives you a warm feeling inside-endorphin relaese? Send your spray our way!!!

quote:

Originally posted by gas57:
Hey DPH, We like our hot sauce in these parts, it burns, stings, tastes good, and then gives you a warm feeling inside-endorphin relaese? Send your spray our way!!!

Just curious what your tattoo to tooth ratio is........2 to 1??

That's a funny story.

But I actually understand the urge to try such a non lethal weapon on himself. Or his wife if she's going to be the user!

A couple of years ago, when I had a need for a non lethal selfdefence spray while travelling around in Africa, I was allowed to aquire several variants of Cap-Stun.

The little ones:


The big one for "crowd problems":


(These canisters where spray painted white to hide their true nature, and had stickers applied to then saying it was oil spray for engines. No reason to get stopped by at a checkpoint in Africa and have them find "crowd control grenades"... )

As I have always felt that knowing how you react to such things is important if you're going to use them, I natually tried spraying myself with it to see how it compaired with CS gas. Although I neither lost my testicals, nor blacked out like the taser guy did, I did end up on the floor, and concluded that the product worked as it was supposed to!

quote:

Originally posted by ErikD:
That's a funny story.

But I actually understand the urge to try such a non lethal weapon on himself. Or his wife if she's going to be the user!

A couple of years ago, when I had a need for a non lethal selfdefence spray while travelling around in Africa, I was allowed to aquire several variants of Cap-Stun.

The little ones:


The big one for "crowd problems":


(These canisters where spray painted white to hide their true nature, and had stickers applied to then saying it was oil spray for engines. No reason to get stopped by at a checkpoint in Africa and have them find "crowd control grenades"... )

As I have always felt that knowing how you react to such things is important if you're going to use them, I natually tried spraying myself with it to see how it compaired with CS gas. Although I neither lost my testicals, nor blacked out like the taser guy did, I did end up on the floor, and concluded that the product worked as it was supposed to!

What's the % of the spray?

Here's what you need 5.5lb's of the hottest spray 5.3 million shu!!