Breaking News - Raleigh , NC
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Jeff Gordon , Professional Stock Car racer
announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.

Now, we find out the real reason Jeff retired at the end of 2015. No cars...