Some good ones here:

Chuck Norris does not read books. Chuck Norris stares them down until they confess what he needs to know.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

Rather than being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris told his wife he was going to give her a diamond ring for their anniversary. When she asked him how big a diamond it would be, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.â€

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry. Chuck Norris once killed and ate an entire Indian.

Chuck Norris can make a woman pregnant by simply pointing at her and saying “booya.â€

Tears from Chuck Norris can cure cancer. But of course Chuck Norris never cries.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said “No one outstares Chuck Norris!†Chuck Norris stood there until his reflection got pissed off and roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris in the face.

Chuck Norris does not shave. Chuck Norris kicks off his beard with a roundhouse kick to his own face. Not even Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris jumps into the ocean, Chuck Norris does not get wet. The ocean gets Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’s shoe. Chuck Norris replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!†The mere mention of the name “Chuck Norris†cured the man’s blindness. Sadly the first, last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon. Chuck Norris IS a weapon.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not need a watch to tell time, he decides what time it is.

I heard chuck Noris's cowboy hat had its own 24hr security guard.

The guy is the worst actor to ever be on TV

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice!

quote:

The guy is the worst actor to ever be on TV

But a wealthy one.

Chuck Norris once ate two 72 oz steaks in one hour and he spent the first 45 min. banging his waitress.

Chuck Norris survived abortion.

quote:

Originally posted by billhilly66:
Chuck Norris once ate two 72 oz steaks in one hour and he spent the first 45 min. banging his waitress.

The waitress was 72 years old, Took 45 min cause his cowboy hat kept falling off.

Bonus Round:

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero and knows the last digit of pi.

When Chuck Norris had a heart attack, he gave his heart such a beating, that it up and apologized.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils his water with his own rage.

When Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, he knocked her up.

Chuck Norris does not flush. He opens the window and the shit runs away.

Chuck Norris fucks every woman in the world at least once a month. As a result they bleed for a week.

When chuck norris was born they filmed it to use in the movie Alien.

When Chuck Norris was two years old, his father spanked him for roundhouse kicking the family mule to death. "It will hurt me more than it will hurt you" the father said. He was right.

Chuck Norris shits standing up.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

The gunpowder one had me in stitches when I first saw it.

Chuck Norris wanted to be in "ENTER THE DRAGON" because he thought it was a porno.

Joke: Chuck Norris is not the worst actor on TV.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to write. He merely dictates to the paper.

Chuck Norris was born with a full set of teeth...


and used them to circumcise himself.

quote:

Originally posted by KSTEPHENS:
"Chuck Norris was born with a full set of teeth... " and a fully grown beard

"and used them to circumcise himself."

[strike] and wiped the blood with his beard