Continuing in the bad pun vein:

A marine biologist was conducting longevity experiments on a certain species of bottle nosed dolphins. He finally was able to breed a strain of dolphin which seemingly lived forever. One of the secrets he found was to feed them a special diet of a certain strain of sea bird.

Now naturally, these dolphins were very valuable and the biologist did not want them stolen when he was out of his lab obtaining these special sea birds. So he bought a pair of lions who would lie by the entrance to his lab and guard it during his absence.

Well, the first time he went out to get the sea birds for his undying bottle nosed dolphins and returned to his lab, he stepped over the lions lying by the entrance and was immediately arrested. The charge?

Transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

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John Phillip Sousa went to Africa on safari. The first day there he saw Tarzan with two buckets of paint, one white and one black. As he watched, Tarzan went up to a herd of zebra and began painting the black stipes white and the white stripes black. The next day he saw Tarzan again doing the same thing, painting the black stripes white and the white stripes black.

Curious, he went up to Tarzan and asked him why he was doing that. Tarzan replied, �Family tradition � Tarzan father, also named Tarzan, paint stripes, Tarzan grandfather, also named Tarzan, paint stripes. When Boy come of age his name become Tarzan and then he paint stripes all his life, then his son same.

And so it was that John Phillip Sousa got the inspiration for one of the greatest and most beloved American marches ever written:

�Tarzan Stripes Forever�

Idaho Jim,
Thanks for the ammunition. My father-in-law and I have regular pun battles. Must be an Idaho thing..

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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two elephants were discussing the important things in life while walking down the jungle trail to the river. As they approached the bank of the river one elephant spied a snapping turtle sunning itself on the bank. He immediately strode over to the turtle and drop kicked it halfway accross the river. The other elephant was stunned and said "What was that all about?" The other replied "When I was a pup I came here for a drink and that very same turtle bit me on the trunk." The other elephant said "Hey, I know we have good memories but that's stretching it a bit don't you think?" The first elephant replied "Nope, I have turtle recall."

How about the overworked college science professor who went to the dean and asked for an assistant to help relieve his work load. The dean said "No, in fact we're asking each department to cut back next semester".

Frustrated, the guy got to thinking, and came up with an idea to clone himself, so, with some help from fellow professors, he produced a clone. It was great, the clone looked just like him, smart, hard-working, EXCEPT, quite obscene and vulgar, especially around the co-eds. This really bothered the professor. One fine spring morning they were looking out the 3rd floor window of the professor's classroom when the clone shouted a really obscene comment to an especially attractive co-ed below. Impulsively, the professor shoved the clone out the window; he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

R-WEST

How about the local monastery that decided to open a a fish and chips stand at the local 4th of July celebration? One patron came up and asked, "Are you the fish friar?" "No sir," the attendant replied, "I am the chip monk."

A congressman was visiting one of the last true Indian tribes in the West. He had established great rapport with the chief who gave him the grand tour of the reservation.

They ended the tour with the chief introducing the congressman to his wives. The first wife lived very elaborately - she was festooned in a magnicent hide of hippopotamus. His other 2 wives had coats of deer hide and while still beautiful and well provided for, not nearly so as the first.

The congressman asked the chief why he treated her so much better.

The chief replied, she's worth as much as the other two put together.

Why is that? the congressman asked.

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides!
________________

Mel Famey was a great closer for a minor league baseball team. He was also famous for the copious ammounts of beer he liked to consume. During game seven of the minor league world series, his team was up by seven runs in the top of the ninth and he thought, no way they'll need me today, so he grabbed the passing beer man and proceeded to down about 8 beers. He wasn't wathing the game very closely and the visitors had tied the game. The bullpen phone rang and the manager had called him into the game. He threw his warm up pitches, the proceeded to walk the bases full as well as the winning run. The other team found out the brand of beer he was drinking and forever called it:

The beer that made Mel Famey Walk Us!
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An anthroplogy professor was telling his students about his recent trip to Polynesia. He noticed while he was there, that if the natives were ever constipated, they would chew a huge palm leaf until they were cured.

One of his brighter students chimed in, "With fronds like that, who needs enemas?"

two black prostitutes went on vacation to arizona. while watching an indian woman making a woven rug one of the prostitutes asked,"what tribe you be from?" the indian woman replied,"i'm a navajo". the black prostitute said,"what a coincidence!! i's a dallas ho and dis udder bitch here be a waco ho!!

A woman calls the piano tuner telling him her daughter has a big recital coming up MR. Opperknockity tunes it up and warns her "this is an old piano, so don't play it until the recital" and leaves. She just has to hear what it sounds like so she plays a couple of songs on it and it goes sour. Frantic she calls the tuner back. He listens and then answers "Sorry Lady, Opperknockity only tunes once"