1. You grow heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to beer..

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider
bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared
Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry
explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have
nothing against women and think every man should own at
least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor’s
goat.