29 January 2004, 12:05
nelsontedGuide to Common Corporate Terms
If you have ever dealt with corporate or bureaucratic terms then the below definitions will help you figure out what is really going on.
A Growing Body of Opinion: Two high ranking officials have already agreed in this matter.
Action Recommended: What it was we started out to do in the first place.
Assumptions: Influencing factors, preferably those incapable of being proven or disporven.
Bureaucrat: One who, having mastered both Prakinson's Law and the Peter Principle, can now draw a straight line indicating the longest distance between two points.
Clarification: FIlling in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
Close the Issue: It's not safe to push this any further.
Committee: A group of the uninformed, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecesary.
Conclusion(s): As any idiot can plainly see.
Concur: Now we're in this together.
Concur in Principle: I haven't read the paper and don't want to be bound by anything it says.
Consultant (aka Expert): Anyone 50 miles from home with a briefcase.
Deadline: An arbitrary date, normally selected by splitting the difference between the boss's vacation and the next three day weekend.
Facts Bearing On The Problem: Those aspects of the mess that support our recommended action or which we know we can't hide anyway.
Flextime: An intriguing approach to legitimizing those afternooons on the green.
For Concurrence: I am not going to take the blame for this al by myself.
For Coordination: My boss said I have to get you to sign off on this, whether you know anything about it or not.
For Your Information: There may be some action required here, but I just don't see it.
Give Us the Benefit Of Your Thinking: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it does not interfere with what we have already decided to do.
Giving Someone The Big Picture: A long, confused, and inaccurate briefing usually reserved for newcomers.
Have You Any Remarks: Can you give me an idea of what this is all about?
I Approach The Subject With An Open Mind: I am completely ignorant of the whole matter.
Informed Source: The guy who told the guy you just met.
It is Generally Believed That: This other guy and I both think so.
It Is Well Known That: I Can't find, or didnt bother to look for, a reference, but I am going to say it anyway.
Landmark of Historical Significance: A large old building that no noe wants to occupy.
Let's Get Together On This: I'm assuming that you're as confused as I am, or I dont't have an answer either.
Note And Initial: Let's spread responsibility for this around.
Note And Return: I hope you'll add something intelligent because I'm stuck, or I'm not sure what I'm doing.
Point Up The Issue: To expand one page to ten.
Program: Any assignment that can't be completed with one phone call.
Reference(s): Somewhere in this document there is an allusion to what it is we want to do, or not do, as the case may be.
Reference My Memo Of...: Let's see how good your files are.
See Me or Let's Discuss: Come to my office, I'm lonsome.
Under Active Consideration: We're looking in the files for it.
Unimpeachable Source: The guy who started the rumor.
We Have Purified Our Records or Files: We gave them to the CIA, but you'll have to find that out for yourself.
We'll Let The Facts Speak For Themselves: You're not going to get any information out of us.
We're Making A Survey or We Are Evaluating: We need more time to think up a reply.
Will Advise In Due Course: If we figure it out, we'll let you know.
You Spearhead The Program: You take the chances.
Corporate Rating Terms
Forceful and Aggressive: Likes to argue.
Has A Good Sense OF Humor: Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
His Character Is Above Reproach: He stays one step ahead of the law.
Often Devotes Long Hours To His Job: Can't get along with his wife.
Pays Attention To Detail: a real nit-picker.
Socially Active: Heavy drinker.
Stern Disciplinarian: A real bastard.
Sticks To His Principles: A stubborn person.
Well Qualified: Has committed no major blunders.