HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Theres nothing like takeing a dump at work. I have a two flush rule. If it doesn't go down in two it stays as a floater.

Thanks, I'm crying at my desk at that one.

Habitual olfactory offenders and practical jokers can be broken in the battle of the stalls. Wait until the offending person is alone in the restroom and has just dumped a load. Simply reach in shut off the lights and leave him in the dark to his own devices on how to get the lights back on or judge when the paperwork is complete. Most light switches are located right beside the door on the opening side. Imagine the entertainment in our office after such an incident when a gentleman and three young ladies were walking down the hall and the gentleman decided to turn into the restroom. Upon opening the door and flipping on the lights he was met knees to face by a 280 pound "victim" with his BVD's around his ankles trying to do a piroet and then a fast duck walk back to his stall with his knees approximatly level with his earlobes. The commotion attracted the ladies attention, needlessly to say "a fun time was had by all" (minus one) His practical jokes slowed to pretty much zero.

MBK,

that is a great idea. I work in an office predominately women, the other two male employees are part time and seldom in. but one of them when he does use MY RESTROOM stinks it like a mofo. I tell him all the time how wrong that is and how nasty. the idea of turning off the lights is brilliant, if I catch his stinky ass in there I am going to do that to him.

Our lights are on sensors and go out after a while, I always worry when I am in there that if I take too long (like at home when I relax and read) I will get stuck in the dark.

Red

You people are a bunch of worthless and weak pussies. Can't take a little stink? I think you should volunteer to just eat a gun and leave the world to men.

"I have thith coworker who poops!!!!" And it thtinkth! That ith tho rude!"

Go home to your boyfriend and have him give you a reach around to make yourselves feel better.

This is a hunting and shooting forum, isn't it? Not the gay and lesbian, or pussy she-male site?

Or are you just too civilized to live?

uh oh somebody offended a shit sniffer
Could some one please decipher the "lisp" script above?
interesting reply 120mm, I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended

Gentlemen: As Benjamin Franklin said in his book "Fart Proudly", "Let every FART count as a peal of thunder for liberty....."

Mr. Ludd; In view of your latest post,Tonight I must be an orator of the first order and like a parlimentarian,I STINK! derf

Hello there Mr Derf: Take no offence, but I am reminded of an old Icelandic Proverb to the effect that"Every man likes the smell of his own fart." Personally, I can't be sure that is a true statement. ned

Well Mr. Ludd,I sure wasn't to fond of myself last night but being fat and over 50 and having bad knees,I wasn't able to outrun them. derf

That had me splitting my gut because I have done every one of those things. As a trucker, I have to take my clintons in sometimes filthy, smelly bathrooms that haven't seen a floormop in days. It got so bad, I came up with another solution: I got a 3-1/2 gallon bucket, a bag of tall kitchen trash bags, old newspapers, a box of wet baby wipes and a big bag of recycled Walmart bags from the local grocery store. I now take my hideous massive gassives in my truck whenever I want. I just hang a towel from the sunvisors and line up for the bomb run. I sometimes get the stomach rumbles from eating crappy truckstop food about an hour and a half down the road. My bucket system has saved countless pairs of shorts from ending up on the side of the road, alone and unloved. My bucket system has saved me from having to put my clothes on in a huge hurry from a sleep and scurry into the truckstop with my cheeks in 100% pinch-off mode through rain, snow and sub-zero temperatures, only to find a sign on the door reading "Closed for Cleaning" or to find all the stalls busy. That's so-o-o-o-o depressing!! If anyone reading this is a trucker, you know about what I speak. Once the mechanics of the operation are over, I tie off the kitchen bag, wrap it up in two WalMart bags and set it outside on the step until morning or strap it to the catwalk if it's daytime; I dispose of it later when I stop to fuel or will stop and dump it in a roadside trash can. So, yeah... taking a dump at work for me is not as difficult as it used to be. Last thing: also part of the basic equipment list is a big can of Glade or Renuzit air freshener.

[ 11-16-2003, 08:21: Message edited by: rootbeer ]

Beware the MOAF, a true Weapon of Gas Destruction. Unfortunately our electronic grafitti on the topic is unlikely to survive the centuries like the egyptian, greek or roman comments along the same lines. Creative and so practical, Mr Rootbeer.

Thanks, G.
Taking showers is another problem for truckers. We have to wait and wait and wait at certain times of the day, like around breakfast and dinner time. I got so frustrated with it I came up with another solution and have been doing this for about 5 years. I got four one-gallon jugs, the kind that windshield washer fluid comes in, with the screw tops. I made some hooks out of stiff wire and I hang the bottles under the hood on the radiator supports. The hot air off the engine heats the water up to quite a temperature during the summer months; so hot it will steam when I shave with it. I just stand up on the catwalk behind the cab and bathe, wearing swimtrunks. I control the water flow with my thumb over the mouth of the bottle. I can take a complete bath, to include a creme rinse of what's left of my hair, in ten minutes-- no waiting. I am always "Shower Number One is now ready." Some people think I'm nuts; I think they are nuts for waiting an hour and a half to shower in a stall that a million other people have used today. I have seen the janitorial staff "clean" the showers-- yeah, right! I never small bleach when I use the showers inside. Maybe they don't use any? Can you imagine what might be crawling around between your toes in a public shower? I even bathe outside in the dead of winter; I just do it REALLY fast.

[ 11-16-2003, 08:18: Message edited by: rootbeer ]

RB, Do you own your own truck. Bear with me this is a serious question. derf

No and I do not suspect the ownership knows about my activities behind the curtains. I have the bucket right there, in front of the passenger seat for all the machanics to see when the truck is in for service. I use it as my trashcan and also to put about two inches of water in when I have to wash my windshield and there is no hose on the spigot right at the fuel island. Sometimes there's not a spigot either, so I have to go get my water from the building. Trucking ain't an easy life; we make do. Trcuking is like camping out: you sleep on a lousy bed for days, eat crappy food, don't get to shower every day and have to put up with the morons next to you until you move on the next day. I've been at it for ten years now; I would like to change and do something else, but I can't make the same money stocking shelves at Wal-Mart and going to tech school leaves me without income for too long. I'm pushing 46; no one wants to hire a green IT guy at my age. I guess I'm kind of stuck...

First, let me say, after seeing Mr. Derf's writings here, that I am sure he is an orator of the first class, always speaking clearly, with great pronounciation and emphasis, perhaps would be a favorite at question hour. Second, I am thinking of a book for Mr Rootbeer about the pioneers who crossed the great plains from the 1840's the 1890's and faced the same problems he encounters. I've often been puzzled why I see so much unwashed laundry hung out on bushes along I-95 hereabouts and now I have a clue. Is that you you, Mr. RB, who has that big diesel prarie schooner parked on the off ramp with the curtains drawn saving your laundry?

something fun to do at work....go into a stall and sit there until somebody comes into the stall next to you. wait until they get comfortable and then drop a cantalope into the toilet from a heighth of about 6 feet. after the huge splash has gone quiet and the water is still dripping from the ceiling, let out a very satisfied "aaaaahhhhh". then leave.

[ 11-17-2003, 21:52: Message edited by: budiceale ]

G. ned,
You see trucks parked along I-95 because the driver took the decision that he had become too tired to drive any further safely. Parking on off- and on-ramps is not permitted, but most state cops understand that very often there are no spots to park in truckstops after about 2000 hours and so they do not bother the drivers with a ticket. In Tenessee, just a bit below Bristol on I-81, a state trooper wrote me a ticket for felony on-ramp parking; it took me three months to get it sealed in TN. I had to go this route because parking against a No Parking sign is a moving violation on my VA license-- three points. Turns out he was a real prick, I came to find out later. As for laundry hanging from trees, I can't comment because I've never seen it as you describe. Maybe it's the locals hanging it out? And yes, the pioneers and '49ers had it rough, but they did it. They had to. We don't appreciate how easy life is today. I am amazed to see A/C units atop tow-behind campers. We didn't have one on our Alpen Kreuzer when I was a kid when we tripped through Europe during the summer of 1972.

RB; I know of what you speak. I am 55 and have been driving,off and on since I was 18. Mostly it was local though and I got to spend nights at home,except when I worked for a city and had to drive whenever they said. In 1978 I decided to move to the West coast to get away from the bloody snow(I was working for the City of Winnipeg and winter was coming). I now have my own 1 ton flatdeck and work for myself. Sometimes that seems like a dumb move but it is what I have chosen.
The reason that I asked if you were an owner is that many years ago I saw a NorthWest Vanlines tractor run by a husband&wife team that had a camper mounted behind the cab. That always seemed to me to be a fine idea. NOW,back to the fun!! derf