I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to
terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're
stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers,
so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short
skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look
a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the
Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another
man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in
his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3
schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned
from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A:
The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent,
Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only
used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's
great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars,
Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17%
said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the
question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any
dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis
, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads,
and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit
cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a
toss, he's still going.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is
having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off
the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but
she wants the 12 pegs back. ----------------------------------------

I caught on well enough, thank you. Maybe that's why my humor postings go mostly ignored.

Brice,

that was funny...

Rich

Brice - humour is an acquired taste , and many folk dont see my humour at all either...

But thats what makes us all differant , and all the better to take the piss out of...

( Do I need to explain what " take the piss out of " means ? Hope not... )

I thought they were funny!

Hey muzza, I think we would get along famously. Keep the faith. Do they tell shaggy dog stories in NZ?

Not so many shaggy dog stories - but we do a pretty fine line in Australians and sheep jokes.....

Hey, I'm laughin' here ...