YOU CAN DO IT! GET LAID IN FIVE SIMPLE STEPS.


As a frequent contributor to the letters pages of men's magazines, I have written about thousands of women and slept with precisely 1,279 of them. I am qualified to tell you how to pick up chicks. Taking home broads you barely know and having dope sex with them on your futon is possible. It isn't only rock stars, gazillionaires, Italian men, and men's magazine editors who are able to talk to a woman, get to know her, then lay some pipe all in the same night. No. It can be you too. All you have to do is read this article. Follow its secrets and maybe someday you too will have slept with 1,279 women.

(A note on these women I've bedded. Each was totally hot, rocking bikinis and hot tubs with equal aplomb.)

If you're like me, you're a chubby, insecure romantic who weeps at certain John Hughes movies, was mortified by your first wet dream and spent much of kindergarten eating crayons. You eschew lovely, intelligent women who desire your inner-beauty. Instead, you seek bar trash that validates your twisted vision of what it means to live a fulfilling male existence.

There are many popular seduction methods out there that promise to turn you from a chump into a stud. Books, articles, and blogs written by flimflam artists claim to have foolproof pick up systems. With fancy phrases like subconscious or word power or -- HA! -- confidence, they sell panty ripping dreams for a nominal fee of literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I'm going to do it for free. Why?

Because I do this for the love. It's not about selling a book or an article based on a summer or so where I learned to stop being creepy and shy around women and then discovered the self-respect I didn't deserve in the first place. It's about helping my fellow man get laid.


#1. Bring Your Game!

Preparation is very important -- this is a hunt and you are a panther. Do as many push-ups as possible, as the immediate throbbing will make you feel like you have muscles. Use conditioner. Wrap the towel above your belly button so that you feel both sexy and svelte. Check yourself out in the mirror. Repeat positive mantras such as "Bring The Cooze, Motherfucker!" or "You Are A Macho, Macho Man!" Spray a little deodorant on your pubic hair. Kick up lots of shower steam and hang your shirt in the bathroom. This will remove wrinkles. Don't wear anything with pleats. Clean underwear will make your balls feel loved. Make sure the hair is 110 percent!


#2. Scouting the Prey!

The only sure-fire, absolutely guaranteed way to pick up a chick is to hit the bar at around 2 a.m. Any woman who is there alone at 2 a.m. wants to be picked up -- by you! Chances are she's a broken wing: a lonely woman dulling her pain with brain-fogging booze. Her body image is low, despite how she may actually look. Reinforce this by regarding her as though she is grotesquely obese. I find an eye-rolling sneer works nicely. Approach the bar, but not her. Order a drink and act nonchalant, as if you stroll into dive bars two hours before closing looking sexy all the time. Occasionally flash her the intense "stalker" eyes. I think you know the expression of which I speak.


#3. The Big Pounce!

The best pick-up lines in this instance are the most simple and the most honest. "Can I buy you another drink?" or "Another Red Bull and vodka?" are the most heartfelt. Ply her with drinks while you make like your tonic and lime is straight gin. Ask her vague questions about herself. If she doesn't offer up that she's attached or married you didn't help cheat on anyone. Now is the time to insert subliminal phrases into your conversation with her. Words are power, and saying the right things will make her even easier. For instance, the following has always worked for me: "My ethnic friend Heywood Jablowme is in a missionary position in the former Soviet nation of Kanwefuckistan." Your new love will absorb these sweet sentiments more efficiently with a jukebox blaring in the background.


#4. Scoring the Touchdown!

As she nods off at the bar, a cigarette sizzling between her knuckles, innocently suggest that you drive her home. While on the bus to your place with your soon-to-be conquest, offer compliments to offset any insecurity brought out by the intense glare of fluorescent lighting. On the walk back to your condo, splurge on a six pack. True biological fact: Women like providers. It's not important to clean your lair, as women also enjoy stroking their maternal side at the sight of a messy place. Offer her a glass of tap water. Time for the music, which should either be hardcore gangsta rap or something with saxophones. Tell her you love her, that you want to pick out drapes with her, and how, really, we're all sexual beings emitting sexual soul waves. And "mind" and "body" are bullshit -- we're just waves. Soul waves.


#5. Now You Are Getting Laid.

First of all, give yourself a mental high five -- good for you! All sex is clumsy. And quick, like the noble panther. Remember that porn stars are freaks of nature who shoot steroids directly into their genitals, so resist comparing your performance. When a woman turns her head and yawns while you're busy pumping away, don't be discouraged. This is an accepted female sexual response. Afterwards, be a gentlemen, and pluck the used condom out from the covers. Provide five minutes of mercy spoon. She will be gone in the morning, if the habits of my previous 1,279 conquests is anything to go on. The cold light of morning reveals all truths, but only if you're in someone else's bed. If it's your place, roll over and keep sleeping till noon. Ideally, your sheets will be resplendent with her slutty musk for days.

You have now successfully picked up a woman and banged her. In five simple (and free!) steps, you have gone from douchebag to pussy Jedi. But don't thank me. That's how I roll. Good luck, dudes.

Great advice I'll try it this weekend.