Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband Tom died last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible, I'm so sorry for you dear. But tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She replies, "He said, 'Please Mary, for the love of God, put the gun down...'

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The next Sunday, Mary Clancy again approached Father O'Grady.

Mary said, "Father, my dog died a tragic death yesterday... will you perform the funeral service?"

Father O'Grady replied, "Ah, but Mary, we do not do that for dogs, even ones as lovely as yours was... why don't you try the Protestant church down the street."

Mary asked, "Father, one last question... do you think that $10,000 would be adequate as a gift to the Protestant church for performing the funeral?".

To which Father O'Grady replied, "Mary... You did not tell me your dog was Catholic!"

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The Pope is taking a long awaited trip to New York city and after his plane lands, he meets his driver in the Airport for his limo.

They get into the limo and the pope asks his driver to show him around the city for a while since his plane came in early and he has some time before he needs to be anywhere.

After a few miles of the driver showing him around, the pope is feeling pretty comfortable with the city and asks the driver to pull over and let him drive for a while, because the pope doesn't get to drive much and wants to experience the city some.

Well, the pope starts off pretty well, but after a while he misses a stopsign and cruises through an intersection in front of an NY police cruiser, who promptly pulls the limo over.

The officer gets out and walks up to the driver's window and the pope rolls the window down for him.

"Ah, excuse me just a minute." the officer says and immediately walks back to his car and radios his Sgt. at the station.

"Sarg. We have a problem here. I've just pulled over a limo for running a stopsign and I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean, you don't know what to do? Write 'em up."

"Well sarg, it's not that simple. You see, this is a pretty important person. I just don't know."

"What do mean it's a VIP? Who did you pull over? The mayor or something?"

"Well, no sir. Not exactly, he's a lot more important than the mayor."

"Well who is it? Did you pull over the governor or a congressman?"

"No sir. I'm afraid it's not that simple."

"Well who do you have man? What's going on? Is it the president or something?"

"Sir, to be honest I'm not exactly sure who I just pulled over, but he's using the pope for his chauffeur."

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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate.

Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three ingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . 'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

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In an attempt to rekindle good feelings between jews and christians, Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel sent a request to the Vatican asking the Pope to meet him for a friendly golf game.

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, so he called a meeting with his cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "We don't feel Shimon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

"It is our belief," said another, "the they only want to call you out and and show the world how feeble and weak the Catholic church is and that you are not in a condition to remain as pope, and thereby make the church look bad."

"Have we not," the Pope asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But" he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made, and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the match.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Jack.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"What's the bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

quote:

The next Sunday, Mary Clancy again approached Father O'Grady.

Mary said, "Father, my dog died a tragic death yesterday... will you perform the funeral service?"

Father O'Grady replied, "Ah, but Mary, we do not do that for dogs, even ones as lovely as yours was... why don't you try the Protestant church down the street."

Mary asked, "Father, one last question... do you think that $10,000 would be adequate as a gift to the Protestant church for performing the funeral?".

To which Father O'Grady replied, "Mary... You did not tell me your dog was Catholic!"

I'd say it's a safe bet the good Father has run for office before.