Where to Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where..
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Sounds like the South (where I live) is still the best option. Although I don't recommend Yankees to come down here.

10-4 DPHMIN, Don't anyone else move to Austin,PLEASE! Years ago I saw a bumper sticker that said "Texas Oil for Texans only,Let the yankee bastards freeze in the dark."

Well worth printing and framing.

quote:

Originally posted by NormanConquest:
10-4 DPHMIN, Don't anyone else move to Austin,PLEASE! Years ago I saw a bumper sticker that said "Texas Oil for Texans only,Let the yankee bastards freeze in the dark."

Our version was Let the Eastern Bastards Freeze in the Dark. That happened after Turdeau came upwith his National energy Policy and our economy tanked.

Grizz

quote:

I don't recommend Yankees to come down here.

There are Yankees & then there are damned Yankees.
Yankees come here then go back home.
The damned Yankees come here & then won't go back home!

See Jimmy Buffet is opening a bunch of Margaritaville Seniors homes. Sign me up.

Grizz

I saw Jimmy Buffet at the 'Checkered Flag' now the Texas Chili Parlor, in the early 70's before he got famous.The venue was about 40' square.I sat with my feet on the stage.He played a 4 hour gig with no opening band.After he got big he came + played the Erwin Center.I did'nt go. The memories of the 1st time were too fine.B.W. Stevenson was a couple of chairs over,drunk on his ass,heckling Buffett.Those were the days.The Austin music scene was new + it was nothing to run into everyone in the grocery store.Besides,my wife was/is in the music business so we were in contact with just about everyone. She's even in a couple of Stevie Ray's videos.If you google "The Blandscrew Sisters" she's the blonde.