A young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend's Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking, Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:

"Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."

One day Santa gets a visit from a worker of the Federal Aviation Administration. The worker tells Santa that he will need to look over the sleigh and the reindeer before he is allowed to fly this Christmas.
The FAA worker looks over the sleigh and reindeer, tells Santa that everything passed, but he still needs to pass the flight test.
Santa gets the sleigh ready to go on the flight test, and the FAA worker says that he will be right back.
When the FAA worker returns Santa notices he has a shotgun laying on his lap.
Santa asks "Whats that for".
The FAA worker says "I'm really not suppose to tell you this (wink) but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff"

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards...
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us! Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Not a joke really but a remenisence of Ruark's "Old man + the Boy" when his uncle Rob staggers in on Christmas eve toasted to the gills + takes down the Christmas tree + all in his stumbles.He looks up in a glassy eyed exspression + says "Goddamn Santa Claus".

Another Ruark: Uncle Rob and Aunt ____ are sitting in church at the Christmas Eve service, and Rob notices a niece that is a bit on the homely side. Rob is a bit in his cups, and whispers to his wife "Damn that girl is ugly." The wife whispers back, "Robert, mind your tongue, she can't help her looks."

Rob whispers back "No Dammit, but she could stay home!'

Santa arrives down a chimney early Christmas Eve and there stands a beautiful brunette in a micro-mini skirt, shorty-short mohair pullover, and 4" high heels. She says, Hey Santa, why don't you spend Christmas with me!
Santa says, "Ho ho ho. I gotta go. Gotta lot of presents to deliver through the snow." And off he went.

A little later, down a different chimney, He sees a red-head wearing only Victoria's Secret lingerie, and similar high heels. She says, Hey Santa, why don't you spend Christmas with me!
Santa says, "Ho ho ho. I gotta go. Gotta lot of presents to deliver through the snow." And off he went.

Much much later, Santa slides down another chimney. Awaiting him is a beautiful blonde. She is a knockout wearing ONLY 4" spiked heels. Of course she says, "Hey Santa, why don't you spend Christmas with me!"
Santa, his tongue hanging out of his mouth and his eyes extra-wide open, and a huge bulge in his pants says, "Hey hey hey, might as well stay. Can't get up the Chimney thisaway!"

Not long ago,and far away,as Santa prepared for his annual trip.......chaos erupted. Four of his elves got sick,and the trainees couldn't produce the toys as fast as the regular elves.

Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then,Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit. "Great" thought Santa.

When he went outside to harness the reindeer he found three of them about to give birth,and two had jumped the fence.

More stress!

To top it off,when he tried to load the sleigh,one of the boards cracked. The toy bag fell to the ground,scattering the toys.

Totally frustrated,Santa went inside for a cup of coffee. In his frustration,he dropped the coffe pot,breaking it into hundreds of little pieces.When he went to get the broom,he found mice had eaten the straw bristles.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Santa stomped to the door and opened it to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. "Hi,fat man" said th angel,"Where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Two sisters, 10 and 5, both auditioned for parts in the Christmas pageant.
Both were very excited about getting their parts. And as sisters will do, that night at the dinner table they were arguing about who had the most important and most difficult part.
Finally the 10 year old turns to the 5 year old and says; "Just ask Mom! She'll tell you that it is MUCH harder to be a virgin than an angel!