Enjoy the plane ride when next flying! After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews and engineers lack a sense ofhumor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Key:>>>>>> (P = The problem logged by the pilot)>>> (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)>>>>>>

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.>>> S: Almost replaced left inside
main tyre.>>>>>>

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.>>>>>>

P: Something loose in cockpit.>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit.>>>>>>

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.>>> S: Evidence removed.>>>>>>

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.>>>>>>

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.>>> S: That's what they're there for.>>>>>>

P: IFF inoperative.>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.>>>>>>

P: Suspected crack in windshield.>>> S: Suspect you're right.>>>>>>

P: Number 3 engine missing.>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.>>>>>>

P: Aircraft handles funny.>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.>>>>>>

P: Target radar hums.>>> S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.>>>>>>

P: Mouse in cockpit.>>> S: Cat installed.>>>>>>

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer.>>> S: Took hammer away from midget

here is some recorded tranmistions from ORD ATC (chicago o'hare air traffic control)

"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything.

"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."

"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."

"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."

"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

and my personal favorite

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

more at http://www.skygod.com/quotes/