I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.

Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30

seconds to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'

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why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really
nice day

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What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a
KitKat Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back
to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these
mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when
I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her
forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to

check her balance.

So I pushed her over.


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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7

miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled
wheels
and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send
you
the video, it's fu*king hilarious....

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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating

shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an

angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky...

Mine's still alive...'


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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'

Ok, the KitKat one slayed me.