Don't worry guys, it's not just Americans who can be STOOPID... I have a friend who runs cattle, and also has a 'farm stay' cottage for people who want to experience a bit of 'life on the farm'.

A couple of weeks ago, he was having real problems with wild dogs killing calves (it's calving time... duh!). He called me to help get rid of the dogs, which I did.

The following actually happened...

I saw a dog eating a (VERY dead, disembowled, half eaten) calf. (you know the scene)...

Boom!! 110g 270 into the dog - dead. Dog had a nice skin, so I decided to keep it, and was in the process of skinning it, when 'farm stay' guests arrive on the scene to check out the source of the noise... so far, fair enough (it was in the 'house paddock').

Conversation ran pretty much as follows...

Them: Did you shoot that dog?

Me: Yeah.

Them: Why?

Me: it killed this calf. Would kill more if I don't get rid of it.

Them: gee, it's a beautiful dog.

Me: sure is, that's why I'm skinning it, to keep the skin.

Them: how do you skin it? (they're actually WATCHING me do it)!

Me: with a knife..(bear in mind, they're watching me do it, and they want to know HOW I'm doing it?)...

Them: So why did you kill it? It's so beautiful!! Did you kill it just for it's SKIN! (voice inflection is important here!!) I'm sure you get the idea!

Me: (fed up by now) Naah, to put the dog out of it's misery .

Them: What do you mean?

Me: Well, obviously, the calf attacked the dog, and as you can see, now we have a dead calf, and a dead dog. I don't like waste, so I'll take the skin.

Them: What about the meat?

Me: the dog or the calf... the calf is half eaten, the dog, well...yeah,

Them: understand about the calf, it's been half eaten by the dog, but what about the dog? Isn't it a shame to waste it?

Me: that's OK, If you want, I'll give the meat to XXX (the owners/hosts) for your dinner.

Them: EEEEeeeeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!

Later that night, the property owners asked me to produce the carcase of the dog, to prove that they (the guests) weren't eating it!!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - Can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Goes to show much YOU know, as I have it on good authority that all the doctors with rattlesnake serum will be at Kings Cross watching the hippo races and listening to the Vienna Boys Choir on tuesday nights, waiting for some poor naked slob to be bitten by a rattler in an unmentionable place!

Mehulkkamdar (and you too, Gunsmoke)

I think it borders on treason that a guy from Wisconsin and and another from Missouri is helping out the Aussies against us Yanks!

You need to be set straight. The Aussies need no help in defending themselves against anyone! (although God knows they do need help in learning how to speak English! {Sorry, guys, I love you all but you don't speak English!) (and I'm an Irishman!)

I am just back from a visit to Australia - those hippos sure are fun to watch but you dont want to stand in the front row....

And that tip about dousing yourself in urine to avoid the tree bears attacking works a treat - I prefer teenage virgin girl urine myself , although it is extremely rare in all of Australia

MK we don't speak english, we speak STRINE.