( This is a long joke and I had to haul out my printer which weighs about 5 times more than my laptop and hook up all the wires and get "on line" with my printer - so you guys had better damn well listen up!)

The Lord spoke to Noah and told him that He would destroy the world by flood at the end of six months from now. As the Lord explained,He planned to destroy every evil human being. However, the Lord instructed Noah to build an ark and take two of every species of creature on earth into it (along with his family)

In a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specs for the ark to Noah. Noah, while trembling before the Lord, nonetheless, says: " I'm your man!".

Six months pass. The skies begin to darken and the rain is falling in buckets. The Lord looks down and sees Noah weeping - and no ark.

"Noah!" calls the Lord. "Where is my ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me" says Noah. I did my best but there were some problems. First, I had to get a building permit. Your plans did not meet their code. So I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans -only to get into a long argument with him and the Fire Department about including a speinkler system".

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building an ark in my front yard. So I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees where spotted owls lived. I tried to convince the bunny huggers and the US Fish & Wild Life Service that I needed the wood to save the owls - but that's why I have no owls lined up."

"Next, I started gathering up all the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of a kind".

" Just when I got rid of the animal rights suit, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out the required "Environmental Impact Statement" on your proposed "Flood". (They did not take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over a Supreme Being) Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the "proposed flood plain". (Happily, Lord, I took care of that request promptly by sending them a globe of the world)".

"Right now, I have a dispute with the Internal Revenue Service trying to seize all my assets on the ground that I'm planning to leave the country. I also got some kind of notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax"

Noah concludes: " Lord, I really don't see how I can build this ark under five years time".

With Noah's pronouncement, the skies begin to clear, the sun shines - and a beautiful rainbow appears.

Noah calls out in joy: " Lord, does that mean You will not destroy the world?"

"No" says the Lord. " The Government already has".

quote:

Originally posted by gerry375:
( This is a long joke and I had to haul out my printer...

Why?