The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for
John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue,
he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election
really offers us a choice of two well-informed
opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry,
but they're still there." -Jay Leno
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"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He
originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on
Iraq." -Craig Kilborn
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"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry
calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even
worth dating." -Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify
a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the
majority still thinks he's the dad from The Munsters." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know,
as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."
-Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate
in history to raise $50 million in a three-month
period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with
two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the
$500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to
put it on his wife's Gold Card." -Craig Kilborn
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