Here we go!

Texas Expressions
1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action

4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you're told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but doesn't change what it is.

14. WE'RE CHOPPIN' TALL COTTON.
Things are going well.

Subject: Advice to newcomers in Texas

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and
this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

10. There are no delis. Don't ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven

14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

23. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.'

24. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

25. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

26. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull on to the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

27. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.

28. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.

29. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

30. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

And another....

Travel Guide to Texas
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1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (Mark White). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back home.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.

13) Do not think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.

14) DO NOT DARE try to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box - minus your ass.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

16) Enjoy your visit.

Big-Ed

Try this for size. Just to keep you honest

http://www.wrightsair.com.au/anna.htm

Mike

Big Ed, like your posts, and your final quote.

Nice to know that a texan likes to quote

a good ole OKIE....Will Rogers that is.

By the way, how's the weather in Baja Oklahoma................................

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..................Dallas

Big Ed Nitro Express
OUTSTANDING !