A guy was driving down a country road & came upon a pumpkin patch...

He thought: "a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. So he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need.

He didn't notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until the Officer approached him. The officer said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing pumpkin'"

The man froze- clearly very surprised to see the officer, and then looking the officer straight in the face, said: "A pumpkin . . . . Damn . . . .. is it midnight already??!!!"

So that is what Linus meant by "The Great Pumpkin"!!!!

Halloween Safety

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple
rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Here are
some helpful safety hints..... Please learn from them, and use
these helpful hints this, and every year...

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who
speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact
that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
real
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws
are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had
most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and
most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from
deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had
previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in
some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an
old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these
can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this
regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Lame Halloween jokes

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
> > Lazy bones.
> >
> > Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
> > He didn't have the guts.
> >
> > What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
> > Boo boos.
> >
> > Why don't skeletons like parties?
> > They have no body to dance with.
> >
> > What do witches put on their hair?
> > Scare spray.
> >
> > Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
> > He was buttering up his teacher.
> >
> > How does a girl vampire flirt?
> > She bats her eyes.
> >
> > What do ghosts serve for dessert?
> > Ice scream.
> >
> > What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
> > Bamboo.
> >
> > What kind of make up do ghosts wear?
> > Mas-scare-a.
> >
> > Why couldn't Dracula's wife fall asleep?
> > Because of his coffin.
> >
> > Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria?
> > He heard children were half price.
> >
> > Why did the ghosts go to the bar?
> > For the boos.
> >
> > Why don't people like Dracula?
> > He has a bat temper.
> >
> > What do you call a little monster's parents?
> > Mummy and deady

SPOOKY STORY...

> >>Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears
> >>a.......
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP... behind him.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Walking faster he looks back,
> >>and makes out the image of an upright
> >>coffin banging its way down the middle
> >>of the street towards him
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
> >>the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
> >>
> >>
> >> faster...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> faster...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP....
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> BUMP.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>He runs up to his door,
> >>fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
> >>rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
> >>However, the coffin crashes through his
> >>door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> clappity-BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> clappity-BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> clappity-BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> clappity-BUMP...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>on the heels of the terrified man....
> >>Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
> >>the man locks himself in. His heart is
> >>pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the
> >>door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
> >>The man screams and reaches for
> >>something heavy, anything ...
> >>
> >>his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of
> >>ROBITUSSIN .
> >>
> >>
> >>Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as
> >>hard as he can at the apparition,
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>and...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>the coffin stops.

just like the label said it would........

What do rednecks do at Halloween?
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.pump kin.............