• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f#*@ off and leave me alone.

 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

 The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

 Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

 Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

 Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

 Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

 The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.