"Gonna get myself a tin beak and pick shit with the chickens"

I'm not quite sure what it means exactly, but it has a certain ring to it.

He didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

I was reminded of this one on my morning commute (4 deg and blowing like a sumbitch

"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra"

Which in turn, reminded me of this one:

"Slicker than snot on a doorknob"

I'm sure these will conjure up a few more from the cobwebs of the mind.


<<MM>>

Another homophobic: He'd rather hear a fat boy fart than a pretty girl sing.

Didn't know whether to shi# or go blind.
Pete

Stumbled in and did't like it.

Skeeters was so big they had a co-pilot.

So damn ugly his Mama borrowed a kid to take to church.

So damn ugly his Mama tied a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.

Slick as paint.

Snot slinging drunk!

Handy as a pocket on a shirt.

Drunk enough likker to float a battleship.

Slap you so hard your eyes will run out on a stalk like a crab.

And an old Cajun one: "Je ne pige que dalle!"
("I don't understand a damn thing!)

Exactly why did you volunteer - dumbass!

"300,000 sperm and look which one made it!"

And a short story:
After a night of partying and some heavy drinking, we all lined up for quarters, riding the hook in port at Ville Franche. Just as colors went, one sailor in line cracked a fart that was like a freight train whistle, loud and long. An old chief standing in ranks never smiled or changed expressions as he muttered under his breath: "If you'd a pulled in a little choke it would have cranked that time!"

The mosquitoes in that swamp were so big they could stand flat-footed and f*** a duck.